Is Ronda Rousey the greatest thespian ever to make the transition from the UFC to silver screen? Before you answer, please consider that (a) she was the best thing about the Entourage film, (b) Georges St-Pierre is very handsome but doesn’t actually say anything in Captain America: The Winter Soldier and (c) if you have a mouth and a brain and have ever seen an episode of The A-Team, then you could probably do a better job of playing BA Baracus than Rampage Jackson. Yes, Gina Carano was pretty good in Haywire, but she’s never been in the UFC. Technical knockout: Rousey.
So with the news that the UFC’s best judoka, currently recovering from knee surgery, isn’t likely to fight again until at least 2017, her next career move is obvious: be in loads of films. She’s already signed up for the Swayze role in an upcoming remake of Road House – can’t wait for that “Be nice” speech – but she’s got more in her. Here’s what her agent should be angling for.
Yeah, you heard. Lethal Weapon scribe and The Nice Guys director Shane Black starts filming on the reboot in September, so there’s still plenty of time to pull a casting volte face and make it an all-lady affair once the new Ghostbusters smashes box office records. Rousey in the Arnie role, one of the WWE Divas as the one with the Gatling gun, Anna Kendrick as the funny one and Amy Poehler as General Phillips. Studio executives: you’re welcome.
The Next Dragon Ball Z Film
First of all, let’s simply pretend that the dreadful Dragon Ball: Evolution (14% on Rotten Tomatoes, car-crash fans) doesn’t exist. Rousey loves the anime series Dragon Ball Z – with its themes of constant, ridiculous training to improve – and once said of bad-guy-turned-good Vegeta, “Vegeta is where it’s at, Vegeta is my cartoon crush. I would have gone toon for him. I would have Roger Rabbit–ed the shit out of some Vegeta.” So the obvious choice would be Vegeta’s wife Bulma (side note: at one point in the series he gets her pregnant and then leaves for the moon), but a much better option would be Android 18, who not only looks a bit like Rousey but also beats the heavily-animated crap out of her hero.
Numeracy-defying naming conventions aside (why isn’t it Ocean’s 14?), the recently announced all-female Ocean’s Eleven sequel is still short a few characters, and though rumours are flying – Banks! Bonham-Carter! Kaling! – what they’re, noticeably missing is someone who can convincingly hurl a hired goon through a table. Listen: Bullock can do the funny, Blanchett can do the scene-stealing, Jessica Walter can do the old-hand bit but nobody does an uchi-mata like Rousey.
A Boudica Film
Fun fact: there has already been a Boudica film. It came out in 2003, was called Warrior Queen, and starred Emily Blunt… as Isolda. Casting choices notwithstanding, it’s not very well scripted, uses entirely too much magic for a film that’s supposedly based on a true story and (unforgivably) doesn’t even use the amazing troop-rallying speech that Boudica apparently really made. Rousey in a chariot, rocking the Braveheart-style facepaint? Yes please.
With Oscar-winning Room star Brie Larson currently tipped to play Captain Marvel in Marvel’s 2019 take on the character, that one’s probably out of reach. But there’s another option: Bruce Banner’s cousin, given a transfusion of Hulkified blood after a gunshot wound, is almost as good at smashing as the big man himself, and a good deal more articulate. Sometimes she works as a lawyer, while she’s still a Hulk. “Objection!” “Overruled!” “Smash!” It writes itself.
A Good World Of Warcraft Film
The one in cinemas right now is not very good, but it’s already on course to be the highest-grossing Hollywood film ever released in China, so you can definitely expect another one. Rousey plays a variety of Night Elves online, and she’s got exactly the right combination of ruthlessness and cool eyebrows to do the same in real life. Make this happen.
The Robert’s Rebellion Film
With Game Of Thrones building up to its Walkers-vs-dragons climax, rumours are gaining traction that the next GRRM money-spinner’s set to be a prequel to the whole shebang, taking on the events of Bobby Baratheon’s rebellion and featuring young versions of the Starks and Lannisters working in (semi) harmony against mad king Aerys. Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister) is one option, but for our money, Rousey’s a better choice for Catelyn Tully – wife of Ned, one-time crush of Littlefinger, kicker of ass. Also, it’s not that big a part, so she’ll have time to do it and still go on a 2017 revenge tour against Holly Holm, Miesha Tate and Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino. Advantage: everyone.